For Adoptees

The Effect On You

Search can take time, money and a great deal of determination. Yes, it can sometimes result in success so quickly that it will take your breath away. On the other hand, it can take days, months or years, and, in fact, may never be successful.

The wrong reason to search is because your best friend/sister/brother/parent/spouse thinks it would be “cool” or because “everyone else is doing it.” You’ll know the right reason when you come to it, and it will be yours and yours alone. It will be thoughtful and considered, and you will feel secure in it, no matter the outcome.

By the way, having expectations – versus hopes – for a particular outcome of the search may indicate that you’re not yet ready for it. Before you begin, make sure you have come to terms with the fact that it may not be successful. Even if it is, it cannot – and will not – solve all of your problems. Remember… You may not be welcomed into your birth family. Your birth parents/siblings may not automatically love, admire and fuss over you. They are unlikely to be prepared to support you, financially or otherwise. And you will not be able to walk in to their lives, take a look around and ask a few personal questions, and then walk out and expect life to return to the way it was before.

The Effect on Your Adoptive Family

Searching can take a toll on members of your family who may or may not be supportive of your efforts and who, at times, will undoubtedly feel left out – even if that's only because searching is such a personal quest. On the other hand, it’s best not to keep your search a secret from members of your family.

The Effect on Your Birth Parent(s), Birth Sibling(s)

It's important to recognize that the person for whom you are searching may want much less or much more from a future relationship with you than you do. There are birth mothers who have not shared with their families the existence of an earlier pregnancy and birth. There are birth fathers and birth siblings who may never have been told of the existence of a child, a brother or a sister. Be prepared: your appearance in their lives may be welcomed, or it may be feared or even rejected.